So it is another Friday night! YAY! I think this is the only time I have to write or even think straight! Both kids are in bed... for now! Three day weekend ahead! We are taking Chase to see "Walking with the Dinosaurs". It is this big cool spectacular! Google it if you don't know what it is. We are dropping Abby off at one of our friends houses so Marc, Chase and I can spend some time together. Plus Abby will definitely be scared. I just hope Chase isn't. Now I have to figure out something to do with Abby by ourselves. Maybe shopping! :) The outlets around here are having a big sidewalk sale. I think I will go Monday and see if I can find some work clothes.

I haven't been clothes shopping for myself in so long! Everything I buy is for the kids and Marc. I don't need much, just a few new fall items. And some new shoes of course! :) 

Onward and upward- trying to think positive again! :) 

Weary...

Well it doesn't look like Marc is going to get that promotion... It isn't official but he talked to one of the pit bosses who said there doesn't look like there will by any promotions any time soon... i just don't know what is next... I am getting weary and tired from the stress of it all. Marc has to go back to school to learn something new- weather it be a trade or something else. But what to do at 35 years old... Sad...

Well a looong week behind us. A week filled with continuing potty training and Abby being sick. I am so tired and weary. I wish I could say I could get some rest this weekend but Marc is working another 32 hours between now and Sunday night. Ugh.  At least tonight I am just going to sit on the couch and day dream of winning the Mega Millions tonight! :) Don't worry I will share...

Trying to get cleaning done tomorrow b/c if it is nice on Sunday we are going to the beach. I invited some family and friends down for a last beach day. School starts in the next week around here so summer is basically over at Labor Day. Which I am looking forward to!! :) Our town clears out and it is nice and calm again. We can go out to a restaurant without a reservation and a long wait... the traffic will be gone and lots of room on the beach... parking spaces will be available... and oh yeah, the weather and water are still warm! 

Oh and HI! From Chase! Isn't he the cutest?!?!

Operation Potty Train was a success!!!!!

Well this has had to be one of the most difficult weekend ever but it was successful! Chase now pees in the potty! He actually asks to go! I think he just had to realize he could do it. Not pooping is a whole other story but I am so happy with our small victories. The true test is tomorrow- I am at work & Chase is in daycare in the morning and Daddy in the afternoon. I think daycare will keep up with it, just not sure if Daddy will. I haven't bought him pull-ups in a long time b/c they were not doing the trick and they are expensive.  So tomorrow I will have to send him in a diaper til I can pick some up. I hope he doesn't get lazy b/c he has one on. Hopefully this is the start of getting rid of diapers. Figures I just bought a 150 count box of diapers for him. Luckily I haven't opened them up yet!

**SIDE NOTE**- I want to spice up my blog. Can anyone help me find good templates?

Birthday Party Debate

Wow I had no idea so many people had opinions on birthday parties. I posted on FB the other day that I am conflicted about the kids' birthday parties. Chase and Abby are born 5 days apart. Of course I have to have a first birthday party for Abby with our friends and families. With Chase, I feel that is not totally necessary. A small party at Chuckee Cheese with his daycare friends would be totally fine. Abby's I would just have a the house.

 If I decided to have them together then I would rent out a room at our local JCC (Jewish Community Center). They set everything up for you and have themed parties. I could do "baby likes to boogie". That would be perfect for both of them. 

Well I got a LOT of opinions from people on FB, work and family... It seems everyone has a strong feeling about it one way or another- even as far as saying Chase doesn't need a b-day party at all or Abby doesn't need one since she won't remember it... Well both of those options are not being considered. I will always have parties for them- even if it is just family and cake.

The more I think about it, the more I am leaning towards having a joint party. I just have to make sure the JCC has a room available in November. 

 The thing is I am so jaded about throwing parties- we have done a lot between birthday parties to a retirement party for my Dad. People are SO bad with RSVPing and even when they do there are those who still don't show. Ex.- my 30th bday in June. Marc threw me a party- we had about 40 people say they are coming. 22 didn't show up! NO LIE! 22 freakin people. Of course everyone had their own excuse- some valid, some definitely not. But I digress... The thing is I take it personally. I know I shouldn't but I do. And I used to think it was just our friends but I know so many people that struggle with the lack of RSVPing. I think it is a lack of respect and no consideration for others. Each person thinks "Oh it is just me, what does it make a difference if 1 person doesn't show..." Well it does when you spend a lot of money on food and most of it doesn't get eaten. So these hurt feelings is what leads me to only want to have one party- just one event to worry about people RSVPing. After this year the kids will just have parties with their friends. If their friends don't show, it will be one less kid I will have to pay for at whatever venue we choose...

Retrospective...

I was just reading back my posts and realized I must sound so depressed. In reality I really don't act it, if I am. For those who don't know me IRL, I am an upbeat, happy person. I always try to stay positive and think about what God might have in store for me. I guess the blog has become an outlet for my hidden thoughts. I think it has been therapeutic  to write it all down. I just think it has been a VERY long year...

Wish I was born 20 years earlier...

I know our parents always think we have it easier than they did, but I actually think they had it easier. In a lot of ways... I would kill to live in a more simple time. A time where "things" didn't cost so much *and* there wasn't a need for so many "things". I would give up my Blackberry and my laptop but some good old chatting with the neighbors over coffee. To be in a time where everyone wasn't so rushed and overbooked. I have to book my weekends weeks and even months in advance. I would give up working in a second... Not because I didn't want to work but because I needed to stay home with the kids. In a time where Moms didn't need to work to get by. 

Most of our parents got married young so they learned to live without a lot of "things". I think that is one drawback to getting married in our later twenties and thirties. We are on our own for so long we get used to living a certain way. We are able to afford a lot of "things" that we couldn't necessarily afford once the kids come.

I definitely wished we did things a little differently when Marc and I first met. I wished I encouraged him to go back to school when I did. He would be that much closer to having a stable job. But who couldn't have predicted the downfall of the economy and the casinos. Just 18 months ago there were 4-5 more casinos in the works, AC looked so promising. Marc was making a ton of money for doing a relatively easy job. Then the economy took a nose dive. Now there is only 1 casino being built and it is taking a lot longer than planned. 

I wish we learned to live with "less" before all of this happened. Who really needs two car payments? Who needs to eat out all the time? You get the picture.

I never thought at the age of 30 that my life would be so uncertain. I never thought that a year ago. A year ago, I never thought of leaving NJ... I never thought I would be the one with the stable job... I never thought Marc would be the primary caregiver after Abby was born... 

I am so tired and worn down. It is SO hard being a "so-called" single Mom. I have barely seen Marc all summer. When he is home I am try to spend time with him but I also take advantage of being able to get some stuff done that is very hard with 2 small kids. But even most single Moms get a break when the other parent takes the kid(s).  I don't know how society expects us working moms to do it all. We can't, it is impossible if you want to sleep at all. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, appointments, food shopping, yard work, taking care of the kids AND working 40 hours a week! I am exhausted just writing it. 

But it is just the frustration and exhaustion talking... It has just been a rough day. Chase was being so difficult on top of trying to potty train him. He is so stubborn, it kills me...

Well hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Church in the morning... 

It's Friday!~!~!~!

Another week gone by… Thank goodness! I look forward to the weekends so much! You would ask who doesn’t. Well working down here in an area that is mainly tied to casinos, a lot of people, like Marc, have to work weekends. I lucked out with a job in a casino that is M-F 9-5.

Anyway, I am looking forward to time to hang out with the kids, clean and get organized for the next week. I am going to try my best to get the kids to the beach this weekend. Hopefully it doesn’t rain too much with the Hurricane coming up the coast. But we only have a few good beach weeks left before the fall hits. We are lucky most years to get Indian summers. The ocean water is still so warm so it keeps the air warmer.

Well I think it is almost official that Marc has 3 more weekends left at the Borgata before his seasonal employment is over. I had a small hope that they would ask them to stay but no word on that. I think they would have heard by now. So back to claiming partial unemployment and hoping to find another side job OR finally getting promoted. Some stability in our life would be nice for a change. But we are just rolling with the punches til then.

 

Alright enough depressing talk. The kids! The kids are doing great!!! Chase is a riot as always. I think we are getting closer to potty training. His BFF at daycare is about 9 months older than him so of course he goes on the potty. Chase is trying his best- he sits on the potty for a little but no action. And yes I have tried EVERYTHING. This weekend is known going to be known as “Operation Potty Train!” haha. I am going to keep his butt on that potty as much as possible. But I am going to try the Pottywise book someone recommended to me if it doesn’t work.

Someone at daycare must be telling Chase that his sister is a princess, so he tells me that Abby is a princess. *And* lately he has been calling me a princess! J So cute! I will take that! Well I told him last weekend how he looked very nice in his church clothes and he said “Chase a princess”. He doesn’t get the difference between girls and boys yet. I try to explain to him that girls are princesses and that he is a “cool dude”. I figured if I said Prince he still wouldn’t get it. He LOVES being a cool dude! Haha! He tells everyone that “Chase a cool dude!”

Abby- Abby is getting so big and brave. She climbs steps, onto chairs and just about anything else she can get her little butt up on. It is nerve wracking to say the least. On top on that, Chase thinks it is fun to “play” with his sister. Which usually means rough housing with his 9 month old sister... She still only has one tooth but that doesn’t stop her from eating anything she wants. She ate her first whole banana yesterday- she ate the entire thing! I don’t think I have seen her turn down any food that is in front of her. I hope that doesn’t change as she gets older. Chase has always been a struggle to get him to eat well. 

Abby is the happiest baby I have ever seen, well when she is attached to me that is. I guess b/c she doesn’t see me 40 hours a week that she soaks me in as much as she can when I am home. I love every minute of it. I just wish she would want to cuddle. She only wants to nurse when she is laying or sitting with me. I guess that won’t change until she is totally weaned.

 

The "what-ifs"

Lately I have been thinking about "what-if" we moved to San Diego for a couple of years. Definitely not something permanent. Just something to further my career and to get Marc a stable job until the economy gets better here. I know the economy is not any better out there but we definitely would have jobs. My brother-in-law owns an accounting firm and I could work for him and get great experience. And our old boss from one of the casinos is now running a casino out there. He would definitely have a job. But I know we are truly better off staying put b/c the only thing that would be better out there would be jobs (and the weather of course). 

Marc would LOVE to be back out there but it does not feel like home to me. We don't have much family or friends in our immediate area but within an hour- we have both of our families and friends. I just wished we had a bigger support system down here. I couldn't imagine being in a place where we only knew a few people. We would miss my nieces and nephew growing up, family parties, vacations, holidays... 

I feel so torn- a few years out west to hopefully make our lives better in the long run vs. being away from "home". I wish I had the guts to do it but I know deep down it would take something big for me to take the leap. I just wish something would change around here. I know when the time is right something will happen...

What a great night...

Wow what a great evening we have had... It was so hot and sticky at work- I work in an office so go figure. All I could think about was taking a dive into the ocean. I wanted to yesterday when we were at the beach but I had both kids by myself. So as soon as we ate dinner (which Marc made since he was off today) we put on our suits and grabbed a towel and walked down to the beach. It was a perfect evening!!! The water was around 80 degrees and there was a few families still down there. We took turns playing with the kids and taking a swim. I swear that water takes away any stresses you might have. It is soooo relaxing!

 The kids love the water too! Abby starts cooing and jumping up and down in my arms as soon as we get close. She loves being in the sand and crawls into the waves. She is fearless! Chase loves everything about the beach- EVERYTHING! The best part of his night was the dogs that were on the beach. People only brings their dogs on the beach after it clears out. I really wish I brought the camera tonight...

Tonight is just what I needed. It breathed some life back into me. Just time with Marc and the kids- no TV, computer or any other distractions. We rarely get any time together since Marc is working so much. It makes me wonder why I don't bring the kids down more often in the evening. During the day gets hard b/c of the heat and the crowds. That is usually why I can't wait for September. It has become my favorite time of the year. Warm weather, warm water, no crowds... :)

I know how fortunate I am to be where I am. I try to share it with all that are close. I invite everyone down as often as I can. Not all take me up on it- it is easy to take it for granted and to get caught up in daily life.

Jobs... Kids... I guess that is life...

So where do I begin on my first post... I guess I will give a brief history of what has been going on in our lives that leads up to not so great news we heard last night...

As most of you know Marc was laid off of his job the day I went into the hospital last November. Borgata was laying people off to save in salary & benefits as the economy took a huge nose dive, especially down here in Atlantic City. He made a very good living working there as a casino dealer. Something he has done for 14 years. November was a very dark time for us- he got laid off and I was stuck in the hospital on bed rest for 2 1/2 weeks waiting for our dear, sweet, precious Abigail to be born. She was the light at the end of the tunnel for sure. But quickly Marc had to learn to be a stay at home Dad (SAHD) and I had to give up control. The 6 weeks that followed are a huge blur. It was a big adjustment with two kids and us trying to see that it was all in God's plan. We were definitely both depressed- him for his lack of a job and me for having to go back after only 6 short weeks. 

We managed to get through the winter and into spring- I guess it all went quickly, maybe too quickly. But a few good things happened in the spring- Marc going to bartending school (as a back-up), me realizing I could take 6 more weeks off in the summer for FMLA, and then Marc finally getting a job. He was offered the job with the promise that he would get in the door as a part-time dealer but they would soon promote him to management (still waiting for that). He was happy with that- at least he was working. Then he got a call from the previous casino asking him to come and work part-time for the summer- just the summer. He was fine with that- it would be a LOT of extra money. So he has been working 3-4 shifts at each place- averaging about 50-60 hours per week. So we have been totally fine this summer. 

I enjoyed my 6 weeks off (while getting paid through NJ FMLA) and Marc picked up the slack. We didn't see each other a lot but I did have some much needed time with the kids. During my time off I put together my resume and cover letters. I am trying to find another job- I am an accountant but I don't make a lot of money at the casino. I knew this going in but at the time Marc was still working at Borgata. So I sent it out to about 40 CPA firms- I got a few replies saying they were fully staffed but would keep my resume on file. Then came a phone call that I thought was "it". I went in for a great interview and they said they were very interested and would put together a salary package and get back to me ASAP. That would 2 1/2 weeks ago. I saw a couple of days later that they were advertising in the local paper. At that point I knew I asked for too much money but they could have gotten back to me... I was very disappointed but realized it isn't in God's plan. 

So I went back to work. It hasn't been so bad but I miss the kids and they MISS me! I can't even say that without breaking down crying. My heart aches- I so badly want to stay home with my kids but obviously that is not an option. Abby and Chase are both in daycare 2-3 mornings a week so Marc can sleep (he works 10pm-6am). Abby's first day was on Monday- she did okay that day but the other 2 she didn't sleep at all. It kills me b/c she usually sleeps 2 hours in the morning. I guess she will adjust- we really have no choice.

So this week was a little rough but we had a light spot yesterday- my good friend Jackie got married yesterday. The ceremony was so lovely. :) There was a few hours between the ceremony and reception, so a group of us went to a local restaurant and sat at the bar. Then the local news came on... 

The "new" casino Marc is working just announced they are turning over the casino to their lender b/c they haven't been able to make a mortgage payment in over a year. That may mean the casino could close temporarily or permantly- now I don't think that is going to happen. Anyone who owns a casino in NJ has to be licensed by the CCC and it is not an easy process- but it is in everyone's best interest to keep the casino open. But either way Marc is worried. On top of that, my casino already went through the same kind of thing and will have new owners in December. But that doesn't mean my job is secure either- the new owner could replace us...

I am trying to stay positive and optimistic b/c that is what I do. Marc goes the other way- he automatically thinks the worst. I am trying to do my best and put it in God's hands. He always seems to provide for us. I just don't know what the next step is. I just need some sort of a sign... But until I get that sign I will just continue to pray and work my hardest...

***Three reasons I want a new job:

1- See above- my job is not secure.

2- I eventually want to work from home- to be able to do bookkeeping for a few small companies out of my house. It will give me great flexibility with the kids and to be able to work for myself. The casino will not get me to my goal- it does not give me the right experience. A CPA firm will though.

3- More money...